


the last song

by bluehaircosplay



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Depression, Multi, Post-Episode: s06e01-e02 Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon, River Song Being River Song, River Song's Diary, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Saves the Day, The Doctor is dead, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, self-care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-13 06:28:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21489868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluehaircosplay/pseuds/bluehaircosplay
Summary: River Song killed the Doctor. How will she deal with the known that she killed her love?
Relationships: Amy Pond/Rory Williams, Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Kudos: 11





	1. stormcage

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning:  
This story will deal with depression, thoughts of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I use this story to write down and process my own thoughts on this topic.

Trigger Warning:  
This story will deal with depression, thoughts of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I use this story to write down and process my own thoughts on this topic.

She had killed the doctor.  
That was the first and only thought the river had when it woke up. Panicked, she looked around. She did not know where she was, it looked like ...  
"Welcome to Stormcage Prison, Miss River Song." River sat up and saw that she had a visit. An elderly woman in heavy clothes stood behind the metal barrier of the cell.  
"Why I'm here? And who are they? "She murmured in confusion.  
"They killed the timelord called Den Doctor. As a result, they were classified as dangerous and must be imprisoned for life. My name does not interest you. I'm just here to tell you this. "With these words, she left and a panic ran through River. She jumped up.  
"No, do not leave me alone. I did not want to kill the doctor. That was not me. I was driven by a third person! "She shouted afterwards but she was alone again. Nobody heard her. She shook the bars, but there was no escape.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she sank to her knees and felt her whole world collapse. Sobbing, she clawed at the bars, her mind turning on the murder and the dead doctor. She did not want to kill the Doctor ...

River had been trained to hate the Doctor. She was educated as a psychopath, a psychopath who was supposed to kill the doctor. And now she had done it. Of course she had fallen in love with the doctor ... and finally had to do it. She could not remember how she had come in the suit, all she knew was that she had aimed the gun at the Doctor. He had just whispered that it was okay and he had looked confidently into her eyes while she shot him. Two times. She had killed him. The regeneration was annulled by the second shot. She was interrupted and the doctor died.  
And River had to live with this murder on the conscience.

...

But did she really have to?  
Did she have to live without the doctor? She could see him again, but did she want to meet him with the knowledge that she would kill him?  
She had seen herself at the lake. In the distance with her mother and her father ... Did they know that she was in this astronaut suit? Did you know that she was her daughter? She did not hope. River could not stand it if they knew ... The Future River had shot at her ... Even her future I hated her and wanted her to die.  
It could be so easy...  
There were so many ways ...


	2. she wants to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that theres always a other way. Please ask for help if you find yourself in such a situation.   
YOU are loved.   
Feel free to write me if you want

The days in Stormcage went by without any notice by River. She did not even know how many days passed.   
She just lay on the bed and did nothing ...   
She regularly had to be fed via infusion because River could not bring herself to eat. She felt no hunger and thirst. Only endless emptiness ...  
This emptiness dominated her and she could hardly fight it ...  
When she slept, she got nightmares ...  
Dreams of how she killed the doctor, but also how she met him again, the old doctor, the living one, and he hated her for killing him. It was an eternal cycle.   
She did not want to sleep or be awake.  
And then came the day she made a decision.

River got up early, her plan was easy. There were not many ways it would fail.  
She knew that she did not have much time to prepare and execute. She was nervous but she knew that this was the only option.   
The next watch wouldn´t come in the earliest 22 minutes. There was no video surveillance. Now she had to be fast.   
She took off the sheets, just like the blanket and knotted them together.   
When her construction was done, she put her diary prominently on her bed. Here she had clarified her act and she hoped that it fell into the right hands. Without really feeling anything, without a tear, she climbed onto the chair and put the noose around her neck. Her thoughts were only with the Doctor and she hoped that, if there was to be heaven, she would see him again.  
"Goodbye my love," she murmured as she knocked over the chair and tried to hang herself. The neck dodn´t broke, but she quickly realized how the air was getting scarcer. Of course, she panicked, but she fought against the natural survival instinct. She wanted to die and she would.   
One way or the other.  
River felt like she was getting dull and River was unconscious.

..............

River looked around, she was in a meadow.   
Not three yards away was the Doctor.   
Her doctor.   
She walked up to him.  
"Hello Sweetie." She smiled and took his hand. The Doctor smiled at her and then suddenly his face darkened.  
"What are you doing here River?" He asked, studying her.  
"I'm dead." She smiled at him and kissed him. But he backed away from her.  
"Your eyes. You are too young. You can not be dead yet, I know how you die, "he muttered, stroking her cheek.  
"Why do you think you're dead?" He asked softly.  
"I killed myself." She said it without remorse. This was better than life. She could be with the doctor, without guilt.  
"No! River, what happened? "The doctor took her face in his hands. He did not know what happened, but this river was so different from the river he had met.  
"I killed you." She was ashamed of it and looked down.  
"Oh River ... no ... no ... I'm not dead ... you can not ... you can not," he murmured, kissing her on the forehead.  
"I have to stop that," he muttered, looking at her. Her hands embraced his. Wanted to hold him and know him.  
"Stay with me," she murmured, closing her eyes. All she felt was his warmth and his presence and that created peace in her. River sighed.  
"Let's stay here," she mumbled.  
"Oh River, my wonderful sweet river .... This is just a dream ... You dream and wake up." He whispered.  
"What if I do not want to?" She began to shiver. A coldness was spreading in her and she no longer felt the doctor beside her.  
"River, wake up ..."

..............................

The first thing she felt was cold.  
Not the cold she had felt since the Doctor was no more, but a cold that covered her whole body. She felt a cold sheet she covered and various devices beeping next to her.  
River Song opened his eyes and was blinded by the bright light of the overhead lights. Her whole body ached and she felt a hose on her face.   
She tried to remove it when a hand held her back.  
"Please do not remove the hose yourself. You will only hurt yourself. It only gets more painful and tedious for her. Stay calm, Miss Song. " The same voice she had greeted in Stormcage. She did not carefully remove the hoses.  
"W-why ... a-a-am i not ... not .... d-d-dead?" There was barely more than a croak coming out of her mouth. Her vocal cords burned with the few words that brought tears to her eyes.   
She barely got air.   
Panic dominated her body.  
"You tried to kill yourselve. We just found you in time. You survived it. "The woman said without emotion.  
"Maybe I did not want to survive it," she croaked.  
"We are required to keep you alive." Again a factual statement.   
River moved her head in pain a little so that she could see the room around her. To the right of her were some machines that monitored their values. Beside it stood the emaciated woman, studying her.  
Behind this she could see a cabinet with medical equipment. Syringes and needles were sealed behind glass.   
River's gaze moved to the left. There was the door. The only way out of this windowless room. Right next to the door stood a small table, on which stood a carafe of water and several glasses.   
Her bed was an ordinary hospital bed. She looked down at herself. There was a flexula in her left hand.  
"That's how we feed you. Thats what keeps you alive. "She pointed to the drip.  
"You will not have any more pain right now," she said, taking a syringe from a tray and injecting the liquid into the infusion.  
"What was that?" She mumbled.  
"A painkiller. You'll sleep right now. "  
River tried to fight it, but it was fast.  
She slept a short time later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that you didnt like it. Im sorry.   
But there will be comfort in the next one... or the one after the next one... The Doctor will save her...


End file.
